Guido
by Miraniel
Summary: The Fellowship decides to keep the Cave Troll from Balin's Tomb as a pet. In movie-verse (easier to spoof) so don't yell at me for not reading the book, etc. because I have!
1. Moria

Guido  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the Fellowship, though I wish I owned Legolas. Nor do I own Moria. Guido is sort of mine, though.  
  
A/N: This was inspired by Arwen Lune's "Plotbunnies R Us". I doubt I could come up with this on my own.  
  
"They have a cave troll," Boromir noted as a cave troll ran toward them in the Mines of Moria.  
  
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," grumbled Frodo.  
  
"Hey, I was just trying to say my line!" said Boromir. "And that Captain Obvious thing wasn't in the script-"  
  
He was cut short by the cave troll stomping through the door.  
  
"Eek!" said Sam. The cave troll, at least ten feet high, loomed over him.  
  
"They have a cave troll!" Boromir screamed.  
  
"Shut up!" yelled Aragorn as he sliced off some orcs' heads. "Help us kill these! They're all over the place!"  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas climbed onto the cave troll's head and shot at it. Or he would have, except....  
  
"Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Merry and Pippin in unison.  
  
Legolas jumped off the troll, looking rather peeved (for an elf). "What?"  
  
"Don't kill it!" Merry protested. "It's just so..."  
  
"Cute and cuddly!!!" Pippin finished.  
  
"What???" said Legolas.  
  
"They have a cave troll!" shouted Boromir.  
  
"We know!" shouted Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gandalf, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas.  
  
"We're trying to kill it!" added Aragorn.  
  
"Don't do that!" said Pippin. "Look! It's not evil, it's just misunderstood! How can you call it evil? Look at its precious little face! Those adorable beady eyes! And don't you just love the squished-up nose! Look at it! It's a good, loving creature!"  
  
Aragorn looked at the cave troll, which was currently biting off an orc's head.  
  
" I think we should keep it," finished Pippin.  
  
"We can talk about this later," Aragorn hissed. "We're busy now." The orcs had politely waited until the Fellowship was done talking to resume trying to kill them.  
  
"Charge!!!" yelled Aragorn. The entire group resumed their shooting, stabbing, and axe-swinging .  
  
The cave troll, tired of eating orcs, looked around for something that wasn't so slimy. It decided against Boromir and went for Frodo, who was busy cowering in the corner and thinking about food. The troll picked up a metal pike and tried to skewer Frodo.  
  
Once all the orcs were dead, Aragorn ran over to help Frodo, who the troll had picked up and was poking.  
  
"Put him down!" Aragorn ordered, slashing the troll across the leg.  
  
"Aragorn, what you just did was illegal!" Merry shouted. "Stop it!"  
  
Aragorn turned to look at the little hobbit. "It was trying to kill Frodo!"  
  
"Nevertheless, that troll is an endangered species and you are not allowed to harm it in any way!" Pippin added. "Frodo, on the contrary, is expendable. There are lots of hobbits. I could be the Ringbearer."  
  
The entire fellowship burst into laughter, except for Frodo, who was occupied with trying to breathe.  
  
"You...Ringbearer..." Gimli gasped in between guffaws. "Right."  
  
"They have a cave troll!" said Boromir. "And we can't let it kill Frodo."  
  
"Why not?" whined Pippin.  
  
"Because then you'd be the ringbearer," Merry whispered. It took Pippin an entire hour to realize that he had been insulted.  
  
"Anyway," Merry continued, "you may not harm this troll, because it is endangered."  
  
"And how do you know this?" Aragorn asked.  
  
"Gandalf's laptop!" said Pippin. Sure enough, on the computer screen, was a web page entitled "Cave Trolls Are So an Endangered Species, Aragorn".  
  
"Hey, you made that up," protested Aragorn.  
  
"Did not," said Pippin. "Anyway, you can't kill it."  
  
"Fine," groaned the ranger. "Then let's take Frodo and get out. He's unconscious now."  
  
"We can't leave the cave troll, either," Merry told him. "It would fall under the category of Neglect, and that's illegal too. We must take it with us."  
  
"It tried to kill me!" said Frodo.  
  
"You're supposed to be unconscious!" Gimli told him.  
  
"Oops," said Frodo, who slumped over again.  
  
"We can't take it!" Aragorn said forcefully. "I have enough problems having to save Frodo's ass 24/7 and I don't have time for a troll!"  
  
"The troll can take care of itself!" Merry shouted.  
  
"It needs a name," Pippin told Merry.  
  
"No, don't do that, naming it just makes it more permanent, and since we aren't taking it with us we shouldn't-"  
  
Merry cut Aragorn off mid-rant. "I'm thinking Rover."  
  
"Guido," said Pippin. "Definitely Guido."  
  
"Rover."  
  
"Guido."  
  
"Rover."  
  
"Guido."  
  
"Gimli," put in Legolas.  
  
"Legolas," put in Gimli.  
  
"Guido!!!"  
  
"Rover!!!"  
  
"Guido!!!"  
  
Merry was silent. "Okay, then," Pippin said happily. "I'm glad you've seen the light. Guido it is!"  
  
Merry, who had yelled so loudly that he could no longer talk, shook his head, but nobody saw him.  
  
Aragorn looked like he was going to cry. "Guys," he said, "we can't take it with us! We just can't! It'll get in the way! No!"  
  
"Guido is not an it," Pippin informed Aragorn. "Guido is a he."  
  
***  
  
"So how are we going to get Guido across this?" Aragorn asked. The group was standing at the stairs, and there was a huge gap.  
  
"He could jump..." Pippin trailed off.  
  
"Guido is about three times as wide as the damn stairs!!!" shouted Aragorn. "It's not going to work!" The Fellowship had never seen the ranger this angry, and Gandalf cast him a stern look. "Use your inside voice, okay Aragorn?"  
  
"Gandalf..." whispered Aragorn. "That's it! Use your magic to float Guido across!" He dropped his voice to a whisper. "But drop him off the side. Please?"  
  
"I heard that," said Legolas.  
  
"Heard what?" asked Pippin.  
  
"Nothing..." Legolas sang.  
  
"I'll give you beer if you tell me."  
  
"I don't want beer..."  
  
"No, Aragorn," Gandalf answered. "I cannot. Guido is an endangered species."  
  
The wizard picked up his staff, said a few choice words, and Guido magically hovered across the gap and down the stairs to safety.  
  
"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" said Merry, who had regained the use of his vocal chords just for this scene. "I wanna fly! Make me fly!"  
  
Gandalf rolled his eyes and sent the whole Fellowship across one by one. "I don't think I was supposed to do that," he said. "The folks back at Hogwarts are going to kill me..."  
  
***  
  
"This is it," Sam breathed. "The Bridge of Khazad-Dum." He pulled out a Camcorder and started videotaping. "Wave, Legolas!"  
  
Legolas shot an arrow right into the lens, shattering it. "Sam, we are being chased by a Balrog. There's no time for this!"  
  
"Oh, right," said Sam, and ran across the bridge, followed by everyone else, including Guido.  
  
"Here comes the Balrog," said Gandalf.  
  
"They have a cave troll," said Boromir.  
  
"We have the cave troll now," Pippin corrected.  
  
"You shall not pass!" Gandalf yelled.  
  
"Yes I shall!" the Balrog replied.  
  
"Ooh, it's cute and cuddly too...." said Pippin.  
  
"Don't even," Aragorn told him.  
  
"You are so not passing!" cried Gandalf.  
  
"I so am!"  
  
"Are not!"  
  
"Am too!"  
  
Gandalf pounded his staff on the bridge, which immediately began to crumble away.  
  
"Dammit!" said the Balrog as it fell into the dark abyss.  
  
"Don't just stand there watching it, run!" yelled Aragorn.  
  
Gandalf did as he was told and walked across the bridge to safety.  
  
  
  
A/N: Well, what did you think? It's my first fic, so please don't be too hard on it, but all reviews are appreciated. The next chapter (Lothlorien) will only come up if you review... :-) 


	2. Lothlorien

Guido, chapter 2  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone except for Guido, who is not really evil, just misunderstood.  
  
A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter one! The reviews inspired me to get working on this chapter. Thanks again and please keep the reviews coming!  
  
"Here's one dwarf they won't ensnare so quickly!" Gimli growled. "I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox-"  
  
A sudden thump sound made the dwarf and all three hobbits jump in surprise.  
  
"It's only Guido," Aragorn groaned. "He knocked a tree over." To Merry and Pippin he said, "Why did we take him along?"  
  
Suddenly four or five elf-guards surrounded the Fellowship, bowstrings drawn. Haldir stepped forward. "The troll is so loud we could have shot him in the dark, with no sight and no hearing, with our brains tied behind our backs, with-"  
  
"That will suffice," Aragorn told him. "Haldir, we need your protection."  
  
"From the orcs?"  
  
"From Guido."  
  
"Why did you bring a troll here?" asked Haldir.  
  
"Ask them." Aragorn pointed to Merry and Pippin, who were trying to get Guido to fetch, with little success. Guido seemed more interested in eating Haldir and his friends.  
  
"Guido is an endangered species," Pippin informed the elf, "and you shall be severely punished if you do not give him refuge."  
  
"Like what punishment?" Haldir challenged. "There is almost nothing you can do to me that will-"  
  
"If you don't give Guido shelter," Merry answered, "Boromir will read you some of his poetry."  
  
"Come on in," said Haldir quickly. "She is waiting."  
  
***  
  
"Eight there are here, yet nine-, wait a second, sorry, nine there are here,yet nine-, no, ten there are here, yet nine there were, set out from Rivendell." Celeborn looked extremely flustered. "I have one line in the whole damn movie and your stupid troll just killed it!"  
  
"My god..." said the Lady Galadriel. "What is that thing? It's hideous!"  
  
"Guido is a he," Pippin said. "And I am really getting tired of having to tell everyone this."  
  
"They have a cave troll!" announced Boromir. He sounded somewhat alarmed.  
  
Everyone within earshot turned to glare at him. "It has been established that they do indeed have a cave troll," Legolas replied sarcastically. "Further news as events continue."  
  
"I am really sorry about this," Gandalf said to Celeborn. "Look, we only need to stay for one night. Please let us."  
  
"I'm sorry, Gandalf, but Guido just can't stay!" protested Celeborn. "He's too big! The rest of you can stay, as long as Boromir doesn't read any poetry, but Guido has to go."  
  
"The thing is, Celeborn, according to the little kiddles over there, Guido is endangered."  
  
"I still refuse. Not even Boromir's poetry can scare me into keeping that thing in my forest."  
  
Gandalf sighed. "I take it you haven't heard Boromir's poetry."  
  
"I actually haven't. It can't be that bad."  
  
"Boromir!" Gandalf called. "Share your newest poem with this fine fellow. You know, the one about the slugs."  
  
"Yay!" said Boromir, who promptly bounced over and began to recite. After about five seconds, Celeborn's eyes had glazed over.  
  
"That is awful," the elf-lord said, once Gandalf had slapped him awake. "Fine, Guido can stay. But just for one night."  
  
"Of course," agreed Gandalf. "Boromir, you may return to - what were you doing before I called you over?"  
  
"I was about to comment that they had a cave troll."  
  
"Well then. Please, do that."  
  
"But I had 700 stanzas to go!" whined Boromir.  
  
"That guy is bad news," Celeborn whispered as Boromir walked away.  
  
"Yeah. I tried to shove him off the stairs in Moria, but..."  
  
***  
  
When the group was about to set off in the morning, Galadriel announced that she had gifts to give. Frodo got a flashlight, Sam a bungee cord, Legolas a dart gun, and Boromir some sticky taffy ("To keep his mouth glued shut," Galadriel told Aragorn). Aragorn and Gandalf got earplugs, which they immediately put in, Gimli got nail polish, and Merry and Pippin received a large bag of Troll Chow.  
  
"That was a nice gesture," Merry told Galadriel. "Thank you for thinking of Guido."  
  
"Guido ate three people last night," Galadriel commented. "I just wanted to save you from being ingested, although I frankly wouldn't mind if your pet ate Boromir."  
  
"It was a nice idea anyway," said Pippin. "Thanks."  
  
Galadriel and Celeborn waved goodbye as the Fellowship set out in their rowboats, Guido dogpaddling faithfully behind.  
  
"They have a cave troll!" Boromir yelled about twenty minutes after departure.  
  
"Have some taffy," Frodo told him. "Then read us a poem."  
  
"Okay!" said Boromir, popping some taffy into his mouth. "I can't believe this! Nobody's ever taken an interest in my poetry be-" He stopped, unable to move his jaws. "Gwoomph!"  
  
"No, really, let's hear something!" Aragorn was now in on the mayhem too.  
  
"Nnghfweh," agreed Boromir. "Eerogwah. Noobaquaff zprts. Jkavfdsfo yofasnb ptat gksl-"  
  
By this time nobody was able to hear Boromir because they were laughing so hard. Merry was in such hysterics that he fell out of the boat twice. Oblivious, Boromir continued.  
  
"Dnr zlquef rtsvibjfbas!" he said dramatically. "Vuorp dsosfiah! Hsfadvs! Vplkecytlkjdf!"  
  
"No wonder he's not married," Gimli commented.  
  
"This is pathetic," Legolas agreed. "I wonder how long it takes to wear off."  
  
His question was answered very soon.  
  
"Lsadfptoai, tfdasrekrwal asghstcvx - hey!" Boromir rubbed his mouth, surprised. "What was that stuff?"  
  
"I dunno," said Merry. "Maybe you'll be able to figure it out if you have some more..."  
  
"Okay..." Boromir reached into the bag and pulled out another piece. "I wonder what flavor ths sshgtsf. Rtjkbcvg. Mnoo..."  
  
A/N: Well? Please keep reviewing! More "fun" is on its way! *evil cackle* 


	3. Amon Hen

Guido, chapter 3  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone but Guido, blah blah.  
  
A/N: Thanks so much for the reviews! I LOVE getting them, so if you are reading this, it would be great if you reviewed! Thanks, y'all! And I'm sorry about all the Boromir-bashing, too; it's likely there will be more coming, so if you have any warm, fuzzy feelings toward the guy, don't say I didn't warn you...actually, I think I bash everyone in this chapter...I'm sorry, I really do love the whole big bunch!  
  
Another A/N: In this chapter you get to hear Boromir's poetry...beware!  
  
The Fellowship floated down the river Anduin with Guido swimming behind. Every now and then, Merry and Pippin would throw Guido a kibble, which he would eagerly ingest. The rest of the Fellowship, however, was bored stiff. Everyone had grown weary of listening to Boromir's taffy-induced poetry.  
  
"We need something to do," commented Sam.  
  
"We do need something to do," Frodo agreed.  
  
"Just our luck the author of this stupid fic doesn't know what's going to happen next," said Gimli.  
  
The author, who was in a feisty mood, decided to have Aragorn and Gandalf sing "Ninety-nine bottles of Beer on the Wall." So they did. Everyone else joined in around seventy, because annoying songs are a lot less annoying when you're singing them instead of just listening. Then, as revenge for his comment about the quality of this fic, the author decided to have Gimli fall out of the boat, only to have Guido pick him up and put him back in.  
  
Merry and Pippin were astounded. "Wow!" they said in unison (they'd been practicing in case Guido did something cool). "Guido did something cool!"  
  
"I am sorry for anything bad I ever said about that troll," Gimli apologized. "It's a good creature, just misunderstood! I have it to thank for-"  
  
"Guido is a he!!!" Merry and Pippin screamed in unison (they'd been practicing this, too; in fact, they had over one hundred phrases at their disposal).  
  
"Oops," said Gimli. "Well then. I am sorry for anything bad I said about that troll. He's a good-"  
  
Legolas elbowed him. "Dude, orcs!" the blond elf said. "They're patrolling the eastern shore! A shadow and a threat has been growing in my mind!"  
  
"That isn't proper grammar," said Sam, annoyed. "See, if you were to say, 'A shadow has been growing in my mind' or 'A threat has been growing in my mind' that would be fine, but since you're talking about two things you have to use the plural, which would be 'A shadow and a threat have been gr- "  
  
"Stuff it," replied Legolas. "You're just jealous because I'm prettier than you."  
  
Sam, who was jealous for just that reason, said "Just because you get all the girls doesn't mean you're better than me."  
  
"Yes it does, you little-" Legolas, using the elven agility that made so many fangirls worship him, jumped into Sam's boat. Sam responded by trying to push him out, and, well, it went downhill from there.  
  
***  
  
"Like, Shaniqua?" an Uruk-hai asked the leader of the tracking party. "Do you, like, see them? Or do we have to keep running?"  
  
Shaniqua adjusted her binoculars. "No, they're totally not, like - oh, wait! There they are, in the boats! They're totally like, beating the crap out of each other-"  
  
Sure enough, the entire Fellowship was now in on the fight. Guido wanted to eat someone, but it was difficult to pick just one body out of the wiggling mass.  
  
Shaniqua continued. "So, oh my god, they are like totally killing each other. You so have to see this, Fifi!"  
  
Fifi took the binoculars. "Whoah, they, like, are. Ohmygod, that's so, like, weird, 'cause you know how we were, like, supposed to kill them, but now they, like, are doing it to each other, so, like, we don't have to because, like, they are doing it to each other, so, like, we don't have to because, like, they're doing it to each other, so, like, we don't have to?" Her tiny Uruk-hai brain struggled to get the point across.  
  
"I, like, totally get you!" replied Shaniqua. "We don't even, like, have to kill them 'cause, like, they already are, you know?"  
  
"Yeah, and we can, like, go home and tell Saruman we did what he wanted!"  
  
"Wait, but he, like, totally told us to, like, bring the little short guys back..."  
  
"Oh yeah...we could run away and, like, never go back to Isengard!"  
  
"Totally! And we could, like, spend our time helping noble causes!"  
  
"But, like, you know what we, like, need first?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"A, like, slumber party!"  
  
"Yay!" replied all the Uruk-hai who were accompanying them. "Let's go find a spot.!"  
  
***  
  
Frodo was off wandering around when suddenly Boromir was behind him.  
  
"Nobody should wander alone," he said. "You least of all."  
  
"Leave me the hell alone," said Frodo. "Please, I insist."  
  
"Was my poetry really that bad?"  
  
"You have no idea."  
  
"Hmm. Well, this one ought to change your mind!" Boromir said triumphantly. "It's called 'Ode to Adobe Photoshop Version 4.0' and I think you'll really-"  
  
"Get AWAY!!!" Frodo screamed, running as fast as his hairy little feet would carry him.  
  
***  
  
"Aragorn! Dude, I am so glad to see you," Frodo said to the Ranger.  
  
"And I you, Frodo," the Ranger said gravely. "Boromir was - well, reciting again. I told him I needed to get firewood." His glance strayed to the Ring around Frodo's neck.  
  
"Would you destroy it?" Frodo asked. "Pretty pretty please with Legolas on top?"  
  
"Dammit!" Aragorn screamed. "Everyone loves that guy!"  
  
"I was just kidding," said Frodo. "Honestly."  
  
"Yeah, well- Uruk-hai! Run!" Aragorn shouted. "I'll hold them off! Run!"  
  
***  
  
"Ooh, this looks like, like, a totally glam place for our slumber party!" Fifi giggled as she ran up the hill. "I think it's big enough for all of us to- eek, a man!"  
  
"Eee!" giggled the rest of the Uruk-hai.  
  
Shaniqua approached the man (who was Aragorn) to ask if she could use the hill, but before she had even begun, he sliced her head off and charged screaming into the cluster of Uruk-hai.  
  
"This is, like, so totally not our week," Fifi panted as she ran from the beserk ranger.  
  
*insert battle scene here*  
  
"Boromir!" shouted Aragorn, rushing to the wounded man's side. "Boromir! I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the white city fall!"  
  
"Dude, you rock," gasped Boromir. "Tell Frodo...tell Frodo..."  
  
"What? Tell him what?" pressed Aragorn, afraid that the dying man had some piece of vital information.  
  
"Tell him...tell him I said this..." Boromir gasped.  
  
"O Photoshop, Photoshop, hats off to thee,  
  
You start with a P and end in a P  
  
You let me mess around with photos I get  
  
Off the big wide internet!  
  
"Oh Photoshop, Photoshop, I salute you  
  
Just one click and you turn my hair blue  
  
Photoshop, Photoshop, please oh please..."  
  
Boromir gasped one last, long gasp for air, knowing he would die very soon.  
  
"Do away with moldy peas."  
  
"Whatever," Aragorn muttered as he walked away. Suddenly, Fifi, the only Uruk-hai left on the premises, tackled him from behind. She stood above him and prepared to slit his throat.  
  
"You, like, totally killed my slumber party, you stupid man!" she growled.  
  
Before Fifi knew what was happening, she was being lifted into the air by - who else - Guido. (Remember him? He was the main character before I started making fun of everyone.)  
  
"Roar!" roared Guido before shoving Fifi in his mouth as if she were a large, slimy marshmallow.  
  
"Thanks, dude," said Aragorn, getting up.  
  
***  
  
"No, Sam!" Frodo called across the river. "I'm going to Mordor alone!" Sam waded in after him, but it was no use, since he couldn't swim.  
  
"Forgot...my...water wings..." he burbled as he tried desperately to keep his head above water. "Blorp..."  
  
"I'm going to Mordor alone!" Frodo said again, not about to let the dramatic tension cease because of Sam.  
  
"Or not," he continued, disgruntled, as Guido plopped a very wet Sam into Frodo's little boat.  
  
"Thanks for saving me, Mr. Frodo," Sam grumbled, trying in vain to get some of the water out of his clothes.  
  
Frodo said nothing, just fumed silently as the boat sailed off into the sunset, Guido paddling faithfully after it.  
  
A/N: Well, what do you think? I was planning to end it here, but if I get enough requests for the adventure to continue, I just may do that...*evil smile* Anyway, please review! This is my favorite chapter out of the three...PLEASE tell me what you think! 


End file.
